Drunken Loose Cannon – When shit hits the fan…rest assured I will be in the room.

Paranormal Activity wouldn’t go down in my house, that’s for damn sure.  I’ve seen 2 of the 4 Paranormal Activity movies so I feel I have a firm grasp of what’s going on. It kills me watching these films because everyone acts like defenseless dickholes who let this nonsense just run amok inside their homes. Not me though, oh hell no. If some crazed demon spirit ghost thing wants to take me out it better be ready for an all out brawl and some pretty harsh language.

What I don’t get is, no one ever ask the demon spirit what it actually wants or tries to have a conversation with it. Why not leave a blank piece of paper on the counter with a pen and  say; “Ok, demon spirit ghost, I’m going to work, something you apparently know nothing about since you stay here all damn day, but while I’m out, write out your list of demands and maybe we can see if we can handle something for you.” This may sound absurd but you never know what will happen. Some say you can’t reason with evil or demon ghost spirits, but has anyone ever tried?

Let’s say it can’t be reasoned with. That’s when you get tough and quit taking guff from these sons of bitches.  Instead of setting up cameras everywhere, how about setting up booby-traps.  How about you challenge it to a fair fight? “Ok, demon spirit…materialize so I can punch you in the balls or are you afraid of a fair fight, you little pussy.” If that doesn’t work, why not threaten it more. Dare it to kill you so YOU can turn into a spirit and fight that bastard. Let it know whose boss and who pays the rent around here. Demon spirit ghost always want to fuck around for a few days or weeks in your home before they get to killing you or taking over your body and I’m not sure why. Maybe someone should ask it if it’s bored or likes to just play games. Ask it also what it does all damn day when you are not there. Get to know it and ask it as many questions as possible. I also advise you to leave it snarky notes about the house: “Hey ghost, why don’t you go fuck yourself!” “Hey ghost, clean this damn apartment you lazy shit.” “Hey demon spirit,  if you are gonna cut the lights off and on all damn night, how about you start chipping in on the power bill.”  “Hey ghost, I know a few people that I would even HELP you go haunt if you’re down.”

Demon spirit ghost from what I have seen are assholes though and there is no living with them. If I were being harassed and pursued relentlessly I’d just go to the airport and force that damn thing do all types of crazy shit in front of everyone. That’s right; there are tons of people at airports. I would just stay there and if it REALLY wanted to harm me or take my baby or whatever the hell was going on in those movies, I would make it do it in front of hundreds of people. Ghosts sure do seem shy sometimes, so force it to do things it doesn’t want to.

Here is some advice when dealing with asshole spirits:

If your house is haunted…burn that mother fucker to the ground and then see what it does. Got a kid that’s possessed? Take them to Chucky Cheese and leave him there.  Got a spouse that possessed? Shoot the shit out of them(you are only doing them a favor) or simply leave them, divorce the shit out of them and stick them with the house payment. Some may say that’s some cold shit and that you should stick by your loved ones. Yeah….you go right ahead and stick by them, moron. Go ahead and stay in that house asshole, that’s exactly what the demon spirit ghost wants you to do. Not me though, no sir. You turn fucking ghoul on me, I’m outta there and if you try to get up in my face or take me out, I will shoot you in your pie hole. I better NEVER wake up and find you hovering by my bedside(unless you have waffles for me or something).

What gets me is that these people go DAYS with weird shit going on in their homes. The FIRST damn time something strange happens, I’m gone…I just dont fuck around like an asshole. Sometimes when I’m alone at my house and I think there might be a ghost behind me( I dont believe in ghost for the record, but for good measure and to be on the safe side) I will turn around suddenly and start swinging my arms wildly while yelling; “Alright motherfucker, what you want!?”. See, ghost like to be sneaky…you have to counter act that. That’s why I always whip open doors and karate kick when I come through.

Don’t be a victim is what I’m trying to say here. Don’t get all scared and let it have it’s way. Remember who’s house it is and that you have rights. Let it know that just because THEY are pissed off, it doesn’t give them the right to harass you. The best thing to do when your home has been invaded is to leave and don’t come back. If you insist on staying, go on the offensive and show the demon spirit ghost that this particular haunting will not be easy for it. Make the ghost do work. If a ghost likes to make one of your rocking chairs move…tell it the next time it does it, you will burn it and then it wont have it to play with anymore(make sure to follow through with your threats). If you think the ghost is after a particular family member, tell the ghost that; Nah, YOU are going to kill them instead(I’m not really sure what will happen here). In the second movie they had a dog(it ended up getting got, but still) so maybe get 10 dogs(like I said…make the ghost work).